Samson crash-landed on Steam yesterday like a shopping cart full of flaming dogshit, peaking at a pathetic 2,722 players before plummeting into mixed review hell with just 52% positive from 757 gut-punches. Liquid Swords' so-called Sleeping Dogs spiritual successor is drowning in game-breaking bugs, endless crashes, clunky-ass combat that feels like punching wet noodles, and driving so shit it makes GTA loading screens look responsive. Players are stuck after mission two, grinding repetitive bullshit just to hit invisible walls, while the tiny map mocks you with its basketball-court boredom.

Devs are now scrambling with their pants around their ankles, posting a groveling Steam update calling the launch 'unacceptable' and vowing a patch tomorrow -- April 10th, folks -- to squash crashes, add save files, and polish the turd. Creative director Christofer Sundberg thanks the few suckers who bought in at $25, admitting they shipped with 'flaws' for 'reasons,' but promises more animations, performance tweaks, and gameplay tweaks incoming. Yeah, because nothing says 'years of development' like a day-one disaster that has SteamDB laughing at your 1k current players.

X and Reddit are a slaughterhouse: r/gaming calls out the 54 Metacritic flop, SteamDeckHQ dubs it unplayable, and players are refunding faster than Rocco downs energy drinks. This indie wet dream pared back from RPG ambitions due to budget woes is deader than Highguard already -- patches or not, it's pissing away its Sleeping Dogs cred into the toilet. Good luck winning back the mob, Swords; most of us already uninstalled and forgot your name.

Liquid Swords better turn this around or join the Bad Game Funeral procession. With pedigree from Just Cause and Mad Max vets, this should've slapped -- instead, it's a self-own so epic it owes Steam child support for the aborted hype.